Still Far from Home

Pandemonium erupts. Nurses holding me on either side, I totter to the delivery room but not before one last stop at the toilet. Agony that. It actually seems possible to me that the baby could fall into the toilet.

It’s all happening too fast and the doctor is a long time away due to the ice storm. Heaving and hoisting, they get my quivering, frightened body onto the bed of a table.

“Squeeze your legs together.” I wonder if they’re serious. . .

“Squeeze your legs together tight.” Oh my goodness, they are serious.

“Stop pushing.”

Pushing is mandatory.

“I said, stop pushing.”

“I can’t stop pushing.”

“Sit her up, then. Get that spinal administered.”

Slow it down, slow   it    down,     s l o w    i  t      d  o    w      n.

My wrists are officially strapped to the handles of the bed of a table, my feet are put in the metal stirrups, the doctor is still miles away, the knees are up and the legs are spread, and I can’t feel a thing below my chest. I’m awake and I can’t feel my body. Apparently, the contractions have stopped.

Everyone around me seems tense but at least they’re quieter.

I vaguely wonder about the baby, what’s happening to him or her as he stays stuck in the birth canal.

The doctor arrives and he tells me to push. I have no way of knowing if I’m pushing or not. I decide I must not be when a nurse begins pushing on my belly.

Someone comments, “This is not working.”

The doctor gets forceps and a voice tells me to hang on to the handles. They almost pull me off the table with the strength needed to pull the baby free of my body.

I know then that something is wrong with this way of birthing. Never again, I swear to myself, never again.








About Deborah

Deborah Jane Milton, Ph.D. is an artist, mentor, writer, mother of four, grandmother of eight. who inspires humanity's Great Turning: our evolution to living as a "whole" human, with headbrain and bodymind collaborating, with science and spirit dancing, with rationality, intuition and the ephemeral co-creating.
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3 Responses to Still Far from Home

  1. Elemental, Deborah: brings the two births I had back vividly. I would have liked to do things more naturally.
    It does make you think, doesn’t it?


  2. PJ says:

    WOW…. I don’t think you ever told me this story… HOW SAD I feel as I read this and know that it doesn’t have to be that way and thank Godde, things have changed some since then.
    My sadness was that I did it all “NATURAL”… but it was back when husbands (THE FATHER OF THIS CHILD) was not allowed into the Labor and Delivery room… CRAZY times then….. Thank Godde that has changed … almost to the extreme.. (anyone can be in there now… except maybe the dogs…


    • Deborah says:

      Thanks for your comments, PJ. The next birthing story will come here soon. You have seen so much in your lifetime as a nurse from beginning to ending of life. I hope you’re working on your book!!!


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